the longing for "freedom"

my store room is a giant mess.... I can't believe how much stuff we've collected in the 5 years we've stayed in this house! So unable to stand it anymore, I started taking out stuff one by one... a very tiring and *aaaa-chooooooooooooo* exercise. lots of dust!

I was just in the mood to throw, so regardless of whether the stuff had sentimental value or not, whatever I'd not used for 2 years, I just threw and threw! and man it felt good!!! hahaha....
Anyway, I chanced upon an old box of stuff...and upon opening it, I found so many photo albums taken in my early 20's. I can't help but realise how much I've aged since then! ok, so I'm not yet 35, but still there's a vast difference in look between a 20 year old and a 30 something. *sigh*

I long for that body of the 20 somethin again! hahaha... working hard on it. but I also long for that energy, zeal and "fire" I had! where has it gone? ...it just poofed out of the window.

There were albums of back packing trips across the US. I looked so young and free. I suppose the key word here is "free." I was free to travel, to do as I liked... I earned my own money working part time, and I spent it on travel. I didn't have to worry about household matters, a husband and kids. I did what I liked, and when I liked.

Now, whatever money I safe, I dare not spend. They are mostly for the kids. Raising kids is an expensive investment here. Everything is expensive. I dare not travel out of the country for it will waste too much money. We just do short trips nowadays. Even if I traveled, I have to lug around 2 kids, change their diapers, make sure they're fed, have their noon naps... etc etc. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy motherhood. Just today, I suddenly miss and long for that feeling of being "free" without a care, except for exams.

Ah...the life of a student is the best. Lotsa holidays..lotsa free hours. Perhaps I will have this "freedom" again when my children are 10 or 12 and independent. but what if I happen to have no. 3 come along? haha....

Last night was strange..I dreamt I went back to the US to do a second Masters, smack in the middle of Spring! can you tell how much I miss that place? it was like second home. oh well..that's it for now. When I feel like it.maybe I'll post some of the travel photos....if I get time....ifff.....if....................................

I just looked at the photos of Buchard Gardens in Victoria. So beautiful.......

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this week has been a rainy week. Everytime we put on our shoes and get ready to go for a walk, 90% of the time it starts to rain. :(
well, today... again, it rained. However, it decided to stop just about half past 6. So we walked in the cool evening breeze. :) That was wonderfully refreshing! :) Yeah, there's a new outdoor gym near my place, right between the forest reserve and the water dam. A quiet place to work out at.

Talking about gym, so far I've been going faithfully to the gym at least 3 times a week till last week coz both children were down with high fever. J's fever was at about 39.2-39.5Celsius and so was N's. Thank God, they are both ok now.My shoulders are getting a little better though the pain sometimes return now and then. I realise it has a lot to do with posture and back strength. I've been told to strengthen the back, and tummy muscles...and that will help alleviate a lot of the shoulder pain.

well...time to hit the bed. I am enjoying the semester break. Feels wonderful to be able to do what I like in the mornings instead of rushing off for lectures and marking papers at night. :) Although...yeah, I will still have to mark the Final papers next week. then I'll be totally freeeee!

This is for Michiko. Michiko, if you want to leave me a comment, you just click on other or anonymous. If you click anonymous, please write your name in the message so I know it's from you. :) Thank you my old blog buddies from MSN who actually bother to come visit me here. :) I know it's a little quiet here..but I like it this way. This way, I only keep true friends..and don't have to spend so much time visiting other people. :) so, yeah, I"m not blogging as much as I did anymore. Just everynow and then. :)
Will end here.

hurdles

Sometimes I feel like parenting is a long distance running program full of hurdles. Only I'm not jumping the hurdles alone..I'm jumping it while holding on to my children's hands or my husband's hands.
I find that with each growing year, a child changes and presents new sets of challenges and new growth and development. The child changes from a totally trusting cute child, to a child like N, whom at 5 already knows lots of things. She has the mind of a lawyer...and is able to find tonnes of excuses and counter arguments to things she doesn't want to do.

So this is my latest hurdle....I'm not sure how to jump this one...and I've been knocking the hurdles down one by one. I've yet to jump over it. I'm also trying to help Nel deal with the fact that she cannot always have what she wants.....coz not everything she wants is good. For instance, having ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

My own personal one is patience. I often find myself losing patience when she starts her counter arguments..... *sigh* .............. where is my 3 or 4 year old who would willingly do stuff and say "ok mum..." and just so willingly help mummy with housework. She's just maturing wayyy soo fast!

ok apart from that, N is quite a mischievous little fella... always up to something when my back is turned. yet......despite all her mischieve and argumentative attitude, she's still a loving and thoughtful girl....Easily laughs, easily angered too! ....haha.... I know, she's full of potential...a girl like her can go a long way...if guided carefully with extra patience. I need to pray for that extra patience and wisdom.

ok, N just came by she said "mum, when you're old, I'll buy you a camera phone. By the way mum, can I have a chocolate biscuit now?"
I said "No, it's almost dinner time."
She replied "aww c'mon mum, ok, how about if you give me a chocolate biscuit, I will not disturb you." [she knows I'll give in to this one! haha..]
So I replied "ok, just one"
N: "how about 5 ?"
Me: "no, just one! "
N: "ok, mum, how about two??"
Me: "ok, ok, two."
N smiles and says: "how about three? "
Me: " 2! and that's final!"
N: "Ok, mum, 2."

and she's downstairs now..munching on em cookies.

J

just recording some ways J responds.

When I call her, she replies "Okeh mommy....I'm ka (high pitch) ming (low pitch.) (coming). haha.. and she runs to me.

When she wants milk, I say "first close the room door." she closes the door, keeps her toys, then lies down on the bed kicking her little feet and laughing excitedly.
Then as routine, I'll say "ok pray first."
J would reply "okeh mommy. Sus I pwayyyyyy (it goes high pitch) byess milkkk, hap J be obedient..I pway..Amen." [Jesus, I pray bless milk, help J be obedient..amen.]
Aw you should hear it! it's sooooooooooooooo cute! hahaha.....

Sometimes she says "mommy...pease...may....ah...ave...milk? pease??? ok....." [mummy please may I have milk please? ok..]

oh she has moments when she's angry too! only she hardly throws a tantrum. What she does is, like when I remove something from her...she stamps her feet and says "naughty mummy...naugchie, nauchyy...." then she walks around, looking at me from the corner of her eyes, with that frown (which really makes me wanna laugh! hahaha). and if I happen to laugh, she'll just go hit the table and say again "nauchy mummy."

J still has been counting objects.... Yesterday she opened a big box of magnets. She looked into the box and said one two chee por..... Then she decided to take them out one by one. So she took them out one by one..slowly and counted "One...." [takes out another one] "one.." [takes yet another one out] "one". I guess she is right, for she took out one at a time, so it's always "one" and never two. :)

10 commandments

At Church N has been learning the 10 Commandments. Recently she came home and said "Mum, i learnt a new commandment today." Delighted, I asked her to recite it for me.
"Ok mum" said N. "it is, Thou shall Order your father and mother!"
"Order?" I asked!
"Yes, ORder your parents!" said N.

hahaha....well, if you know it, it's actually "Thou shall Honor your father and mother. "

Well, another week passed by, and she came home said "Mum, today the verse is.. Thou shall not commit anemone."

"Anemone?" I asked...hahaha....hmm..watching too much "Finding Nemo?"
N asked "Mum, what is anemone?"
I said "Not Anemone dear, it is, Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Adultery? Mum, what is that?" asked N.

I wondered why on earth was the teacher teaching my child that commandment? is it necessary yet? well, I tried to explain to her that adultery was when a man left his wife for another woman.
N replied "Oh, I don't want daddy to commit ane..adultery..coz I love you both. and I always want my mummy and daddy."
"aww, N," I replied, "mummy and daddy will stay together always, and with you too!"

another week goes..and N says on sunday "mum, today it is, thou shall not muller."
"N, I said, it is thou shall not murder."
"Murder mum? is it the same as kill? Oh Mum, mum, if I kill the ant, is it murder? will God punish me?"
"well," I replied.... "hmm...i'm not sure, but if it is cocroaches, and they are a pest, I think it's ok to kill them." [is it????] haha..

well...let's see what she learns this sunday folks! hahaha...

oh by the way, we went to see Nemo on Ice yesterday. It was a really cool show brought in from Australia i think. The costumes were beautiful and some of the effects were lovely. Only sometimes the girls were a little afraid when the sounds got too loud, esp scenes where they met the shark etc etc. Overall we enjoyed ourselves. :)

today was my second day at the gym. Dang they are STILL trying to sell me gym packages ammounting to 1800. I would like to exercise in peace without somebody hounding me, wanting my money!

well, I tried the mat pilates today, and realise how weak my muscles have become!! oh man, I mean, there were ladies as old as 60 in my class, and they had no problems doing some of those exercises. As for me, in many of those exercises, I was actually shaking coz my muscles were so weak!! hahaha... I probably looked like a vibrating machine or someone going into convulsions! haha...
Hopefully with time i will strengthen. In Pilates they stress that everything starts from the strength of the core muscles.

As for my kids, they are doing well. little one is quite amazing.... she picks up her toys after play, she throws her own diapers away after a change..she says please when she wants something...and welcome and thankyou etc etc. haha...it is really easy to just love her and let her get away with her little pranks. I have to remind myself not to spoil her.

As for N...she has a new habit of screaming when things are not done quickly. I have to remind myself to practice patience with her so she will learn patience. She asked me a question last week about how babies were made. and she's only 5!! haha.... For right now, she thinks that marriage is when a man gives flowers to a lady. She thinks that if you wish for a baby you will get one. So she asked me why not I wish for one, as she wants a baby brother! but how can I guarantee that if I try for a baby that God will give me a boy?

Sometimes there is so much pressure to get a boy! What is it about the superiority of boys? Well, pressure doesn't come from my parents! thank goodness, but from the in laws.

okie doke..over and out here....

Good Friday

We were at church yesterday for Good Friday service. We tried to leave early but the traffic was really horrendous and in the end we got there late anyway. Thank goodness we still managed to get seats, we took the last ones available, and everyone after us had to sit in a separate hall and watch everything via life telecast. yeah, church was packed, as it always is every Good Friday and Easter. I suppose it's the "once a year" Christians that fill the seats during this time of the year.

There was a short but meaningful performance. It started with a short video clip with scenes from "The Passion." Needless to say with the lights off, and flickering lights around the auditorium to create the effect of lightning striking the earth and the scene from "the Passion", little N and J were a little afraid.

Then the real drama began. Meaningful act about how people need the Lord..for without Him we are lost. Well, at a poignant part of the drama where a lady started crying dramatically on stage, people had tears at the corner of their eyes, but what do you know? Little N started laughing very loudly!!! hahahha....oh boy, I was about to be embarassed, when several heads turned our way.... but then, they were so humored by her they started laughing too! haha....

I suppose N saw through her acting. hahaha....

As for the gym, yes, I started yesterday. Only thing is people there are only trying to sell sell sell different expensive packages! It is rather annoying.... but I think I'll just stick to cardio, a little weights, and will sign up for Pilates.

gym

SO what did I write about yesterday? oh yeah..music....
I finally got into action..and for the first time in 5 years composed. Yeah, wrote a short piece for piano. I looked at it again today, and I have to say, I dislike some of it, and like some of it. Like I said, I am very critical of my own work...and have many times discarded them. Wonder if this one will keep?

HOpefully...if I can produce something like 24 short pieces..I'll be able to publish a book of short piano pieces. That'll be cool. Let's see how things continue... If I keep being inspired, I should be able to do it.
....... but if things keep drawing me away, then it'll just be another piece, written in my manuscript book, unperformed.....left to rot until I rediscover it again few years from now.

ok, let's try to be more optimistic eh....I'll set myself a target and hope to meet it.

On a diff note, I decided enough of my back pains. I suffer from really severe back pains sometimes, with horrible pains in the shoulders and neck which robs me of any decent sleep. I have been to like 4-5 diff physiotherapists and doctors..and they don't help very much. I decided today to sign up at a gym with a personal instructor hoping to strengthen my back muscles. Let's see how it goes...i hope this will work, as I'm getting so sick of the pain.

Other than that...nothing much.

Music

It's strange to be in such a quiet blog space after the active one I had at msn live spaces......

On another issue...my life as a musician. That part of me has somewhat been going down the drain since the birth of my children. After the first child, I continued by being keyboardist and pianist at church, and occasionally arranging choir parts for the choir. After my second child...I'm not even a musician anymore! although yes, I still teach music and lecture part time in a higher institution.

However, recently while at church...I could not help but feel a tugging, nudging at my heart...a yearning to be back in the music band. I suppose I've always had that call since childhood. It's amazing, but I've been a musician at church since the age of 10 ..... I was also in dance and drama.

So...I feel the string at my heart being tugged once again...to be a musician. I suppose I will not be able to hold back much longer...I have to get back on the keyboards...for when I'm on it...I'm at home. it's a strangs feeling that I cannot express...for when I'm playing on the piano/keyboard at church...my hands turn really warm..and the music flows..not from my heart, but from divine inspiration...which does strange things to my heart and mind. it must be the Holy Spirit.

APart from that...there's another new thing...that is, I feel I need to compose again, something I've given up 5 years ago. Will I be able to do it? I feel so out of it....I feel it so foreign to me....
but....if I don't try... I may totally walk away from it, away from composing.

It is hard being a composer...esp me, I am critical of my own compositions..I've thrown many of them away. If they are performed in public...I disappear...simply coz I can't bear to know if the audience loves it or not.
I remember a performance at university..I disappeared immediately after the performance, refusing to meet audiences. Some people called me up to ask where I was, saying the loved the piece. but that's me. Coz you now, no matter what composition, there's bound to be people who love it, and people who hate it....there's tonnes of music critics out there....and I'm not very good at facing them.
today's entry has been too long....I suppose I wil just end here....

Counting Money

Today my second child, who's nearing 20 months old, (I'll call her J), dug my handbag as usual! She likes doing that, digging and emptying my bag...Suppose it is like treasure hunt for her. :) Well, today was a little different. She took out all the money from my wallet, and started counting. I think she's heard me teach her older sibbling counting before and somehow remembers it. Only thing is I've never taught my older child to count money, just objects.Wonder how J knows? Maybe she aspires to be in the money business? or is already money minded! She took all the money out and went one....two....tee, ....por, pie...chix,...cheven...ten....portee...piftee...chevetee....oh well...not perfect counting, but pretty amazing that she chose to count money! haha...