my very last conversation with Ah Ma

My grandma was discharged from the hospital last weekend. Somehow…by a miracle….the hemorrhaging stopped.

For me the episode was like God forewarning us that…..Ahma’s life on earth would not be for long. Her heart has been weak, and she’s been surviving on just tiny heart vessels coz all her major arteries have been clogged up. How long more she’d have…we weren’t sure.

So I visited her last Saturday at her place. I’m glad I did. When I arrived, she had just been shifted to her wheel chair. She had been feeling tired and wanted to go lie down. But as soon as she saw me, her tiredness left. :) She insisted on being moved back to her day chair. Her maid/nurse refused to move her, and left to do work in the kitchen.

Then Ahma made her own attempt at getting up, and she’s too frail for this, so my hubby helped move her back to her own day chair. I sat next to her, and she looked up at me and smiled…such a child like smile, expressing real happiness. We talked for a while..and she seemed to remember me. Some moments she would look at me and study my face intently and at other moments fade into her own world….calling her maid and daughters every 2 minutes.

While she was in hospital… the lost of blood and drop in oxygen at one point affected her brains…causing her to loose memory. So for her to remember me for a while meant a lot.

Then we sat in silence for a while and suddenly she looked at me and asked “lu eh laubu leh?” (where’s your mum?)
I replied in Chinese “she’s in the kitchen, preparing your meal.”
Ahma looked at me and said “Ee u lai meh?” (she came?)
I said “yes Ahma, she came.”
Ahma looked at me doubtingly and asked “tiang si lu eh lau bu?” (who’s your mum?)
I replied that she was Mary……and she looked at me and asked “lu si tiang?” (who are you?)

It was so strange having such a conversation with my own grandma. After a while…she kinda recollected who I was again. Then it started to rain very heavily…Grandma kept asking several people if her window was shut. She refused to believe any of them that her windows had been shut properly and kept asking about it every minute. Finally I told her I’d go check. I walked to her room, stayed there for a while so she’d think I was shutting the windows, coz yea, they were shut already long time ago.

I came out, held her arm and said “Ahma, I’ve shut your windows, don’t worry, no rain is gonna get in.” She looked at me, with child like expression again and a smile and said “cin eh ah?" (really?) lu u sim, lu u sim. Kam sia, kamsia.” (you have a heart, thank you, thank you.)

Finally she had a headache, I massaged her head a little and then they sent her to bed and I went home.

I never knew…..that’d be my last conversation with my Ahma. She passed away last night....

I’m honored to be called her grandchild. She who raised 10 children and put her full faith and trust in God. She who encouraged her children and grandchildren to put God and prayer first in everything. I am truly blessed….

I know she’s in a better place…. But honestly…it is hard to let go…very hard… and I can't stop crying...
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To my Ahma, I won't say "rest in peace" coz I know you're not sleeping, but already in a better place where there's no pain, where there's much joy, in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I miss you...
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my brother wrote this on his notes:

I was at Lin Wei's, Ampang. She had fractured her leg, so I had to visit. Cindy came along. I had just finished defending how having 10 well brought up children was better than having just 1. I explained to Lin Wei's mom how my grandma have 10 children and NONE are delinquent in caring for their mother. All give a share of their little and plenty to her every month, and all chip in for her hospital bills and other comforts.
And then the phone rang. "Ah Ma passed away," said my sister. "What?" I retorted... not knowing how to react... I had no answers... And so I dropped Cindy off and headed straight to my Ah Ma's in PJ.

I was tempted to not go. I did not want to see all the crying. But I knew that I was being selfish. I switched my focus onto my mom. I love my mom and want to be there for her when it counts most. She was always there for me... And so I went...And there they were, all standing and some sitting beside her lifeless body, praying and thanking God for her awesome life.

Tears involuntarily streamed down and I was overcome with grief. I could not believe it had happened so fast. Just 12 days after she was discharged from hospital.As I stood there shoulder to shoulder with my cousin Martin and uncle SK, we sobbed and we prayed... and as I looked around, I lamented: "There is life in death. Even in such a close knitted family, Ah Ma's death brought everyone closer in an instant. Even as death took place, the depths of our hearts became alive, and love overflowed. No pretense, no machismo, but in all real humility, the men along with the women cried openly.

How ironic... life in death....I could only imagine how even torn families with soured relationships may at that moment repair itself and put differences aside... unite and brave the mourning together... Ah, but tonite, I mourn the lost of my beloved Ah Ma... my beloved Ah Ma... I said My beloved Ah Ma... Goodbye Ah Ma... rest well... And this is our comfort: that because Jesus loves her, He's taken her home, to a better place where she rejoins her beloveds... Ah Kong and Aunt Annie.... and there will be no more pain and suffering... and one day, we will all be together for all eternity. Hallelujah! Amen!